When you least expect it, the right person will come along... That statement, usually said by well-meaning friends, ranks in truth right up there with the check is in the mail and this will only hurt for a minute. Those who have relationships spin this yarn to give us single women hope. Instead, it annoys me like fingernails on a chalkboard.
I have not been expecting a relationship in many years and it has yet to materialize. What am I doing wrong, I used to wonder? Why does this work for some people and not for others?
I have seen women leave their husbands and new partners seem to just materialize out of thin air. I stand there wondering how the heck that happened! I have heard women say God brought these partners to them, and I have wanted to slap them. Based on that thinking, if God has not brought me a mate, then I am somehow unworthy, not "ready". I have "healing to do". It is "not time yet". "God has a plan". Yeah, and I have some swampland in Jersey I would like to sell you.
Women who have escaped destructive, violent relationships, then find a good mate, often believe the new mate is their reward from God for surviving the horror. My question has always been why didn't their God prevent them from the abusive relationship in the first place? I cannot respect a God who expects some measure of suffering in exchange for the reward of eventual love.
I have come to the conclusion that I am not doing anything wrong. What is wrong is the cultural belief (that is very much affirmed in 12-step programs) that if we follow the rules, God will reward us. This belief says life is beyond our control, part of a manifest plan, that will unfold as it is supposed to, IF we follow the rules. Therefore, if things do not come to me -- a relationship, a job I love, financial security, what have you -- then there is a silent implication that I am not doing it right. My reward is being withheld until I am ready/learned the right lesson/figured out the magic formula for pleasing God.
This limiting belief keeps people accepting of being powerless in their lives, in their place, waiting for the heavenly reward. Changing this perception was a hard shift to make, but I was able to install the concept of a higher power that does not operate within a reward and punishment system. If I find a partner it will be through my own efforts, and not from fiddling with my psyche, trying to figure out which mysterious trait I have that is annoying God enough to withhold love.
So I continue along my spiritual path and I live my life well today. I am not waiting to live until a partner comes along. I do not have to be anything different today than who I am.
copyright 1998