ASK LA LOBA
Since my mother died, I am finding myself in a role
in the family of the "planner" and "organizer".
I almost feel like they are putting me into her place.
I'm not comfortable with this. What should I do?
Signed - missing my mom in New York"
Dear "Missing..."
First, I want to say that I am so sorry you have lost your Mom. As one
who has faced the loss of mine as well, I understand the vacancy that is
felt within a woman's very being when she loses her Mother, whether by
death, or otherwise. (I highly recommend a book entitled, "Motherless
Daughters", by Hope Edelman, Delta: NY, 1994.)
I think that because there has been the loss of a primary personality and role in your family, the others may be trying to preserve as much of the status quo as possible by unconsciously reassigning her role to you. (Maybe your style is the most similar to hers.) This helps them feel more secure, but your discomfort with it is understandable. You may not be through the grief process yet, yourself. You may still be re-evaluating your own identity and roles, in relation to the loss of your Mom.
The only way the others are going to be able to become aware of how the dynamics have shifted, your feelings about it, and what changes you need to be made, is by you telling them. This is called "boundary setting". It would probably be a good idea to decide, before talking to your family, what you ARE comfortable with, i.e. which, if any, of your Mom's characteristic responsibilities you are willing to take over. Ask them to decide which of these responsibilities they will each handle, as well. Don't be afraid to tell them exactly how you are feeling. Don't be afraid to remain firm once you have set your limits. Good luck; you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
~La Loba~
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